On a bright St. Patrick’s Day, I dragged my husband and family two and a half hours to meet a rescue greyhound with whom I had fallen in love. The dog walked up to him…and peed on his shoes. A few moments later…he peed on my brother-in-law’s shoes. While pouring bottled water over their feet and apologizing, I was already starting damage control. “He must be nervous!” “He must not be comfortable with men!” “He must be so traumatized from what happened to him at the track!” “I’m sure we can train him!”
Against his better judgment and out of his great love for me, my husband gave in to my dog obsession and agreed to take this giant black dog with a bladder the size of Texas home and add it to our pack. Now we have 3 dogs, and the greyhound (Ramses) is the sweetest, calmest, most interesting dog- but he never stopped peeing. It turned out to be a severe marking problem. He literally could not be trained- probably because he was neutered so late, grew up in a racing facility, and the behavior was ingrained. We paid an exorbitant fee for a dog trainer, we tried doggy diapers, we tried crate training- we tried it all. Now, when we’re not in the house with him, he has to be behind the gate in the kitchen. When we’re home, we have to watch him closely. The behavior he showed us the very first day my husband met him was the dog he still is today. He’s a wonderful dog. I love him. But…he pees on things. He will always pee on things. The wood floor we will soon put in when we rip up the carpet he has ruined will always bear testament to that fact.
The way I made excuses for him against my better judgment (because of the affection I already had for him and because I REALLY wanted a greyhound)- that’s the way we make excuses for people in our lives. We are especially blind to the faults of those with whom we are in romantic relationships. We truly care for them, so we look at only their positive traits (their generosity, how great they are with kids, their dazzling smile), and we find a way to rationalize those big red flags that keep popping up. That controlling way he inserts himself into other aspects of your life? He’s just worried about you and wants to spend more time with you! The fact that she needs every new gadget and has zero dollars in her bank account? She works hard, and surely she’ll get her spending under control when she’s sharing money with you! We rarely even allow ourselves to contemplate a scenario in which the behavior doesn’t magically change, and we often won’t consciously acknowledge it to ourselves at all.
Sometimes, however, the things we ignore are not earth shattering- they are just little red flags. Perhaps you hate how much tv he watches or the way she stops paying attention every time her phone chimes. Maybe it’s as small as the way he chews his food or her sense of style. Ultimately, though, whether it’s a big red flag or a small one, the reality is that whatever trait is gnawing at you in the back of your mind- the one you want to make excuses for and rationalize- that’s probably not going to change. In fact, it’s best to assume that it will grow tenfold after several years. The question is whether it’s something you’re willing to live with forever?
Whether we can live with our partner’s negative qualities will be different based on the severity of the issue. In the case of small annoyances (which we all have and which we’re all guilty of inspiring in others) the answer very well may be, “Yes. I can live with that!” These little drips and drops can stress a relationship, but they probably won’t break it, and we may become a better person for adjusting to another’s idiosyncrasies. It’s those big red flags, however, that are true relationship destroyers. These are things like abusive or controlling tendencies (which are often masked at the beginning of relationships but which usually show themselves in little ways), difference in religious beliefs (particularly if one or both parties are very religious), difference in spending habits, or simply just negative personality traits like selfishness or a propensity toward anger. If you are in a relationship with someone who is cruel, abusive, or manipulative- RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! If you are in a relationship where obvious incompatibilities are emerging, remind yourself that the discrepancy will likely only grow with time.
As wonderful as your partner may be, the things you notice early on in the relationship cannot be wished away or canceled out by other good traits. Who the person is when you meet them is probably a LESS extreme version of who they will be years down the road. When our heart draws us to someone, however, we tell ourselves the very opposite. We say that these problems will go away, that it’s not really who they are, that they are under stress, that we can change them. Take it from the owner of a peeing rescue dog- that problem is likely to be worse than you imagined, and it will cause a strain on your relationship at best or destroy it at worst.
So, how does my relationship stand with Ramses these days? Well, I love that dog irrationally. My husband, however, does not love him irrationally. He is amused by Ramses, he tolerates him, but he would prefer a less high-maintenance dog. If I had it to do over again- for my husband’s sake- I would probably make a different choice and not pressure him into the decision. In the broad scheme, though, it was a relatively small flag, and we can both live with Ramses’ many neuroses and his marking problem. Had I ignored a more dangerous problem, though, the outcome may have been different. The moral of the story is that people (and dogs) are not likely to change. Believe them the first time they show you who they are.
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About the Author
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Jackie Chea is a blogger from San Antonio, Texas who holds a B.A. in Psychology and an M.A. in Community Counseling from the University of Texas at San Antonio. She writes on political and cultural issues from a conservative, religious standpoint. She lives in the Lone Star State with her husband Nick, her 5-year-old son Lincoln, and her rescue dogs. |
I truly enjoyed reading this blog that centered on your experience with Ramses (great name, btw) and can’t help but wish I knew you before your lucky husband. I recently separated from my girlfriend of 7 years, which is far longer than any relationship I have had (including a short lived marriage. It is difficult to accept when you are wrong about someone, and I appreciated your experience. Perhaps I will be smarter in the future (but I doubt it).